It's In The Hole ...

It's in the ... hole. Yes Sir! ... Well almost ... Tough finish Rory

While watching yesterday's riveting US Open final round, I noticed that professional golfers perform at such a high level that they nearly expect to make nearly every putt they attempt. On the rare -- but to be expected -- occasions when they do not, the responses are quite similar.

puttrified

[puht-truh-fahyd]

v. intr., to make assorted displays of surprise and mild indignation, especially when narrowly missing after striking a golf ball so as to make it roll along the putting green to its intended target, the hole

Examples of puttrification include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Bending at the knee to lament a putt's narrow miss
• Visually scanning the crowd/caddies/fellow players for sympathetic facial expressions
• Standing in place for several seconds with hands akimbo
• Flipping the putter
• Telekinetic use of body english
• Exaggerated facial expressions (vary, stern and even sometimes sheepish)

After finally conceding that a putt is missed, it is customary for a puttrified golfer to grudgingly accept the gallery's congratulatory applause, tip his cap and resign himself to mere mortality.

Example:

"Bryson walked around the 15th green and stalked the putt from every conceivable direction. With the help of his caddie, he vector analyzed the green's topography, and eyed the bermuda grass with the precision of a land surveyor. Finally, after picking his line, approximating its speed and visualizing the ball's path toward the hole, he approached the ball and struck it firmly. The dimpled spheroid did not oblige, making its final revolution just inches short of the target. On bended knee, Bryson looked puttrified at the unexpected -- and rare -- unsuccessful outcome. His feigned anger, however, was quickly sublimated by the fact that he would go onto win the tournament
a few holes later, putting $4 million large in his coffers."

Putting is golf's great equalizer. Many of us will never stripe 300-yard drives, master the flop shot, shape a high-arcing draw around a live oak or impart "on-a-string" backspin on an approach shot. And while physical limitations and a lack of talent may prevent us from ever experiencing these achievements, we all can putt. Even the most difficult putt could conceivably be made by an amateur, even a beginner.

A Whole (Foods) New World ...

In honor of today's grand opening of the first Whole Foods in Savannah, a new phrase ...

destination grocer
[des-tuh-ney-shuhn groh-ser]

n., a supermarket, usually upscale, where the visit itself is as much of the experience as the actual goods purchased; non-traditional supermarket amenities may include stocking rare or hard-to-find ingredients, a bevy of prepared foods and bulk items, world-class wine and beer selections, a preponderance of local merchants and several self-contained in-store dining options

In the type of coverage usually reserved for visiting heads of state, here's just a sampling of today's local coverage of the WFM grand opening.

• Coastal Source -- http://bit.ly/13XowFa
• Savannah Morning News -- http://bit.ly/16hJdxD
• WSAV -- http://bit.ly/167G0ON
• WTOC -- http://bit.ly/1671cnO

There's an app for that ...

appify

[ap-uh-fahy]

v.t., to take an activity, process, or iterative routine that would normally be done conventionally by a separate device, a computer or another human being and make a smartphone and/or tablet-based application to do it easier ... ideally.

Now, it would be dishonest for me to claim credit for this 21st-century nugget of neoligistic nirvana ...

That should go to the mercurial Brian R. Cunningham, of Washington DC, a friend, a JMU Duke, a Woodbridge Senior High School graduate, an excellent golfer, father and husband and a cagey Texas Hold 'Em player.

Like the limitless uses of the now-ubiquitous 'application software,' there are as many colloquial analogs of the digital phrase appify.

There's no use for mom's index cards of holiday cookie recipes anymore. Let's appify it.

I enjoy looking at the Savannah-Chatham Sheriff's Department 72 Hour booking photos, but it'd be cool if they could appify it.

Just app it ... App it up ... I'm apped out

I'd app that app ... You're a jackapp

Wait, that's inapppropiate :)

You Want To Save Some Money?

Then get to know your coupon slang.

• http://myfave4letterfword.com/for-the-rookie/coupon-slang/
• http://www.abuggyfull.com/p/coupon-slang.html
• http://weshopdeals4you.blogspot.com/2011/06/commonly-used-coupon-slang-acronyms.html
• http://blessedbybargains.com/?page_id=75

Waterworld ...

hypaquacy

[hip-ah-kwuh-see]

n., the act, often intentional, of filling up an empty premium spring water bottle (Evian, SmartWater, et al) with regular old tap water, so as to impress friends, colleagues and strangers with your superior taste and your refined palate

According to the International Bottled Water Association (yep, they exist), the 'domestic non-sparkling' (still) segment of the US bottled water market had a volume of over 8.1 billion gallons in 2009.

Rawhide, Cowhide, Manhide?

Wow, it's been a while since my last post.

I've been watching a decent amount of tv lately and, consequently, have sat through my fair share of commercials.

As a fan of the loofah/body wash approach, (Hey, don't hate! Exfoliate!), one ad in particular has stood out recently - a Dove commercial for a gender-specific body wash that refers to men's skin as "manhide"

Here's a link to the Dove commercial -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdOS74nzsmQ

I'm fine with the word hide. It actually means "human skin," but adding the "man" to it gives it a vaguely disturbing quality. And why equate men's skin with tanned leather? Are we that derelict as a gender in our personal care that the closest analog to our skin is a bomber jacket? Or does the "macho-fying" of the product make it more palatable to use than if we just called it "body wash" and didn't make it so rugged-sounding?

Apparently, I'm not the first or second one to notice this quirky advertisement.

Now, if we allow for the usage of the phrase manhide, by extension, does that mean that there's also a womanhide? And what would we use a proxy for women's skin?

In the man-time, I'll just continue to use my Irish Spring body wash.

Clean as a whistle

I've Seen That Once or Twice Before ...

saw and order

n., the collection of plot devices and time-worn cliches frequently employed by procedural legal/police television shows

Examples include, but are certainly not limited to, the following:

a) the classic good-cop bad cop gambit

b) the shadowy Internal Affairs investigator

c) always just missing being able to trace a call by mere seconds

d) when the judge says "I'll allow it, but tread lightly counselor ..."

e) overuse of cop jargon ("perp," "skel," "I need a bus")

f) the job's workaholic nature and the tendency to take one's work home

g) lab scientists and technicians only being able to speak in highbrow. scientific terms and force the layperson detective/attorney/agent to look confused and say "In english?"

h) the dreaded psychological assessment after a shooting (also must call all mental health professionals "shrinks)

i) the two-handed lapel shake of a suspect up against a brick or concrete wall

j) a maverick yet successful cop/crimesolver locking horns with a straight-laced, by the book supervisor, but ultimately coming to a grudging and heartwarming acceptance of each other's

k) deus ex machina -- the highly improbable "god out of a machine" endings that either save of the day or defy all probability

l) eating a hot dog at a busy streetside stand

m) Continuing to "work" a case after being suspended or taken off the case

n) Melodramatic "turf war" between cops/lawyers from competing jurisdictions/agencies

o) Visiting a retired cop to have another look at an old case

Don't get me wrong. I love cop and courtroom shows. In fact, I watch several of them a week. But, they typically don't stray too far from many of the time-honored tools of the trade.

Make It Go, Make It Go, Make It Go

flake-out

[fleyk out]

n., when a snowstorm begins to loses its cozy, storybook appeal and becomes more of a nuisance; often accompanied by billowy pillows of snow turning into diamond-cutting spears of jagged ice, 15-foot berms of brownish-grey slush and a layer of dried-salt film covering every flat surface

... I also like how people who come from different parts of the country tend to brag about how much snow they have there ('They'll cancel school for two inches here. I'm from XXXXX, so this doesn't faze me at all'). For some reason that irks me, like the ability to handle weather conditions or turn out of a skid is something worth arguing about.

frumple

[fruhm-puhl]

n., a permanent wrinkle or crease, especially in a garment of clothing, viz., pants

Despite his many efforts -- the ironing board, the steam cleaner, a hot shower -- the pants would not hold a crease. The pants held the frumple, like a badge of disheveled honor

Heads Up ...

crown molding

[kroun mohl-ding]

n., the undulating folds of extra skin on the back of a person's head, often giving the back of the skull the contoured appearance of rolling hills

Yes, I'm OK. I took a year off from posting new words. I've been storing them up for a while

For the last 18 months, I've continued to publish a word an issue in The South Magazine

Wow, That's Ripe ...

rare essence
[rair es-uhns]

n., a pervasive, pungent and unrepentantly flagrant body odor

I stopped at the video store to drop off some movies. As soon as I made my way through the door, a wall of the foulest, most dank rare essence greeted me. My mouth agape and my nostrils burning, I placed the DVDs on the counter and returned to my car with the utmost haste.

also may be used to converse with another person in the presence of a strong odor without the offending party's knowledge

Guy #1: Man, that guy has some rare essence going on

Guy #2: Yeah, it's heinous.

Medically speaking, body odor is also known as bromhidrosis and gets its pungent, vinegar-like smell from the presence of propionic acid.

Did you know it's possible to 'hallucinate' smells? This type of olfactory hallucination is known as phantosmia.

Drop that bit of knowledge at your cocktail parties later this evening ...

Until 2009,

Quixotica

I Need A Word for ...

this situation ...

in football, a skill position player on offense (especially a wide receiver) will often imitate a referee's flag-throwing motion following an especially contested play in order to persuade one of the nearby officials into throwing the flag himself; if successful, the duper is usually awarded a pass interference, holding or illegal contact penalty 

I feel like there should be a name for this athlete? Or the act itself?

Quixotica in The South Magazine

For the last several months, the good people at The South Magazine have let me adapt my silly little blog for mass consumption in print. I try to make up words for each issue with a distinctive Savannah flavor.

We call it Savannah-ese, and it's featured in each issue.

Check out my recent work here --

Tryptophantasy

Repetitive dialogue disorder

Sweet tea twitch

Ought couture

Available in print at the following locations, you can also view the entire issue at The South Magazine's hip website here.

Radar Noon, Madam ...

Palindrone
[peyl-en-drohn]

n., a vice presidential candidate that roughly mirrors the same ideologies as her presidential running mate, except inverted (different gender, different state) and is largely powerless politically

Interesting pick by McCain. Not too many card-carrying NRA members, mothers of five, commercial fisherwomen, beauty pageant winners and former sportscasters in the typical VP pool.

Let's go to the videotape

When You Really Got to Go ...

near destination anxiety

[neer des-tuh-ney-shuhn ang-zahy-i-tee]

n., the tendency to have a strong, and sometimes severe, urge to urinate the closer one gets to a predetermined stopping point; this phenomenon is often more acute the closer one gets to being near a place where one can relieve him or herself; in some cases, one might not have any bladder-related issues until getting close to an intended stopping point.

The first 600 miles of the trip home were quite relaxing. I read the new Harry Potter book, caught up on some e-mails, listened to some classical music on NPR and enjoyed a few Diet Cokes. The moment we passed the sign signifying our entering Fairfax County, all hell broke loose. I had to race like a pisshorse. Within 30 seconds, I was just a stiff upper lip away from tears. I looked out the window to distract myself from the bladder pangs. And immediately saw a forty-foot billboard for Poland Spring water. We were in traffic so I couldn't really pull over for an impromptu roadside pee break (ed. note, this also really needs a word). When we finally made it off the interstate, I was a wreck. Flailing, speaking in tongues, and occasionally letting a pee dribble out to relieve pressure, I could scarcelu contain the near destination anxiety that had gripped my body.

Telltale signs of NDA include shaking legs, labored breathing and grabbing one's own privates to in an effort to "plug" any potential pee geyser .

Near destination anxiety is expected to be a part of the next revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The last major revision was the DSM-IV published in 1994, although a "text revision" was produced in 2000. The DSM-V is currently in consultation, planning and preparation, due for publication in May 2012.

See also urgasm

Shameless Self-Promotion ...

Not to toot my own horn, but Quixotica has been spreading its wings a little bit lately.

Not quite taking over the world, or even the state of Virginia ... yet.

It's now a regular feature in two monthly magazines ...

• Savannah's own, The South Magazine


• Senior Class, a monthly magazine celebrating the maturing lifestyle based out of Long Beach, CA

And it's attracted another recent write-up in The Toronto Star, the daily newspaper for the Big Smoke.

Just My $.02

two-center

[too sent-er]

n., a person who regularly inserts unsolicited advice, anecdotes and opinions into a conversation, especially ones in which they are not directly involved.

A two-center often interrupts a conversation's flow to pepper the dialogue with tangentially related stories and phrases like "the thing about that ...," "the truth of the matter ...," and "well, actually ..."

Person A: What's the easiest way to get to the Clarendon Metro from here?

Person B: Take a left at the intersection and it'll be four blocks on your left.

Person A: Oh, okay. Great. That's what I'll do. Thanks for your help.

Person C, The Two-Center: Well, actually you could take a bus to Glebe Road, walk to Ballston Mall and then take a cab to the metro. It would take you a few minutes less

Person A: Ummm, OK. Thanks man.

Droppin' Bombs ...

Residual methane effect (RME)

[ri-zij-oo-uhl meth-eyn i-fekt]

n., sci., the lingering odor that persists in a confined public space after one has successfully moved one's bowels; This effect can be noted quantitatively and is measured in PPUs.

This often noxious odor may persist for several minutes after the offending party (the "pooper") has left a lavatory. In many cases, the resultant odor may deter future bathroom-goers from using the facilities until after the proverbial air has cleared. Mitigating factors may include proper ventilation, courtesy flushing and one's natural poop "flavor," or odor.

In other cases, the offending party is able to leave the restroom and new users incorrectly blame a fellow stall user who may happen to be in there at the same time.

Check out this fascinating website that touts itself as "your No. 1 source for your No. 2 business" to keep up with the fast-moving world of poop.

I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry ... And Drunk

alcholeric

[al-kuh-ler-ik]

n., a person who becomes extremely irritable, easily angered, belligerent or combative when under the influence of alcohol

Alcholeric is a portmanteau, blending the words "alcohol" and "choleric"

Alcohol reduces inhibitions and the more you drink, the more loose you get. If a person is naturally angry and aggressive before drinking, alcohol will make him more apt to act out and get mean when he is drinking.

Many refer to the inhibition-reducing effects of alcohol as "liquid courage," a surge of temporary eneregy that makes people feel like it's okay to do things they normally wouldn't--they think it's okay because they were drunk, or they "couldn't help themselves".

Check out these great moments in "alcholeric history," thanks to YouTube

Ziggy Bowdust ...

bowdust

[boh duhst]

n., the white chalk-like detritus of dry and flaky skin that often covers the surface area of the elbow; the word "ashy" is often used colloquially to describe a state of uniform bowdust coverage.

"I was on the roof last weekend cleaning out the gutters, when the ladder slipped out from under me. Instead of falling straight back, my slow-motion sideways descent through me right into a thicket of thorn-covered bushes. I wasn't hurt too bad, but I had what seemed like 100,000 scrapes on my arms and forearms. I went upstairs to wash off and check out the damage. I lifted my arms and looked and washed off the cuts. I must not have looked at my elbows in several months, because there was a snow-white layer of bowdust covering my elbow"

In many ways, bowdust is an inevitable byproduct of the aging process. A number of factors conspire to turn your smooth, supple elbows into concentric circle-like wrinkles around a patch of ashy, flaky skin. As its elasticity drops over time, the skin around your elbows bunches up, and the tips of your elbows can become darker as layers of dead, dry skin start to accumulate.

Creams, exfoliation and lotion can help, but ultimately the bowdust wins out. Tyra Banks obsesses about her bowdust so much, that she'll use lip gloss or Chapstick for a quick fix

Odds and Ends:

Here are some tips on getting rid of "ashy elbow forever."

Check out this blog for a humorous Homeland Security-style elbow sandpaper ratings system.

Check out these barons of bowdust, Brooklyn-based hip hop band Ashy L Bowz. You can download their album "No Lotion" off of I-Tunes