I've Seen That Once or Twice Before ...

saw and order

n., the collection of plot devices and time-worn cliches frequently employed by procedural legal/police television shows

Examples include, but are certainly not limited to, the following:

a) the classic good-cop bad cop gambit

b) the shadowy Internal Affairs investigator

c) always just missing being able to trace a call by mere seconds

d) when the judge says "I'll allow it, but tread lightly counselor ..."

e) overuse of cop jargon ("perp," "skel," "I need a bus")

f) the job's workaholic nature and the tendency to take one's work home

g) lab scientists and technicians only being able to speak in highbrow. scientific terms and force the layperson detective/attorney/agent to look confused and say "In english?"

h) the dreaded psychological assessment after a shooting (also must call all mental health professionals "shrinks)

i) the two-handed lapel shake of a suspect up against a brick or concrete wall

j) a maverick yet successful cop/crimesolver locking horns with a straight-laced, by the book supervisor, but ultimately coming to a grudging and heartwarming acceptance of each other's

k) deus ex machina -- the highly improbable "god out of a machine" endings that either save of the day or defy all probability

l) eating a hot dog at a busy streetside stand

m) Continuing to "work" a case after being suspended or taken off the case

n) Melodramatic "turf war" between cops/lawyers from competing jurisdictions/agencies

o) Visiting a retired cop to have another look at an old case

Don't get me wrong. I love cop and courtroom shows. In fact, I watch several of them a week. But, they typically don't stray too far from many of the time-honored tools of the trade.

I Need A Word For ...

Getting sucked into to viewing an informercial at 3 in the morning. You're minding your own business channel-surfing and then some host in a contrived talk show set sucks you in. There's lots of smiling and clapping, ... and next thing you know, you've killed 30 minutes learning about how to get your Beach Body in just 90 days.

If you submit a word within the next five minutes, you'll receive a second copy of the as-of-yet unpublished Quixotica absolutely free. Yes, that's right.

I wish there were a channel of nothing but old infomercials, ... kinda like an ESPN Classic for cheesy advertisements. After all, who can deny the power of the Flowbee? Or the sharpness of a Ginsu knife? Don't you miss watching Jack LaLanne drinking carrot juice? He's still alive, BTW, and will turn 94 later this year.

Remember the one with a British guy in a bowtie that sets a car hood on fire, ... and then waxes the car's hood to a like-new shine? And I feel like I've grown up with Carleton Sheets and his no-money down system for buying real estate. And who could forget Don LaPre and his empire built on classified ads. My Rich Dad wouldn't.

But wait, there's more

Did You Know?:

The word infomercial is a portmanteau.

A portmanteau (IPA: /pɔrtˈmæntoʊ/), plural portmanteaux, is a word or morpheme that fuses two or more words or word parts to give a combined or loaded meaning. A folk usage of portmanteau refers to a word formed by combining both sounds and meanings from two or more words (e.g., spork from spoon and fork, animatronics from animated and electronics, guesstimate from guess and estimate, wikipedia from wiki and encyclopedia, or ginormous from gigantic and enormous). Typically, portmanteaux are nonce words or neologisms. Portmanteaux are commonly used in science fiction for a wide variety of technical words, such as cyborg from cybernetic and organism.

Thumbing through the Quixotic archives, I believe that urgasm, obloof and tryptophantasy would be considered portmanteaux.

Bauer-ed (ing) It ...

Bauer(-ed)(-ing) it



v.t., to do something with ruthless, calculated, Machiavellian efficiency; inspired by Jack Bauer, the fictional protagonist of the FOX tv series 24, in which he has trained and worked in various capacities as a government agent, including US Army, Delta Force, LAPD SWAT and with the Los Angeles Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU). Within the 24 storyline, Bauer is a key member of the CTU, saving both civilians and government leaders. but often at great personal expense

"A tornado of humanity would not stop John from catching the foul ball. Nor would a toddler with a glove. Nobody would stop him. 40 or not, he was going to Bauer it ..."

Bauer Quotes:

• Jack Bauer: If you don't tell me what I want to know, then it'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt.


• Jack Bauer: The only reason that you're conscious right now is because I don't want to carry you.


• Jack Bauer: I'm gonna need a hacksaw

(http://www.kiefer-rocks.com/media/sounds/hacksaw.wav)

• Jack Bauer: That's the problem with people like you, George. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I'd start rolling up your sleeves.