When You Really Got to Go ...

near destination anxiety

[neer des-tuh-ney-shuhn ang-zahy-i-tee]

n., the tendency to have a strong, and sometimes severe, urge to urinate the closer one gets to a predetermined stopping point; this phenomenon is often more acute the closer one gets to being near a place where one can relieve him or herself; in some cases, one might not have any bladder-related issues until getting close to an intended stopping point.

The first 600 miles of the trip home were quite relaxing. I read the new Harry Potter book, caught up on some e-mails, listened to some classical music on NPR and enjoyed a few Diet Cokes. The moment we passed the sign signifying our entering Fairfax County, all hell broke loose. I had to race like a pisshorse. Within 30 seconds, I was just a stiff upper lip away from tears. I looked out the window to distract myself from the bladder pangs. And immediately saw a forty-foot billboard for Poland Spring water. We were in traffic so I couldn't really pull over for an impromptu roadside pee break (ed. note, this also really needs a word). When we finally made it off the interstate, I was a wreck. Flailing, speaking in tongues, and occasionally letting a pee dribble out to relieve pressure, I could scarcelu contain the near destination anxiety that had gripped my body.

Telltale signs of NDA include shaking legs, labored breathing and grabbing one's own privates to in an effort to "plug" any potential pee geyser .

Near destination anxiety is expected to be a part of the next revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The last major revision was the DSM-IV published in 1994, although a "text revision" was produced in 2000. The DSM-V is currently in consultation, planning and preparation, due for publication in May 2012.

See also urgasm

Shameless Self-Promotion ...

Not to toot my own horn, but Quixotica has been spreading its wings a little bit lately.

Not quite taking over the world, or even the state of Virginia ... yet.

It's now a regular feature in two monthly magazines ...

• Savannah's own, The South Magazine


• Senior Class, a monthly magazine celebrating the maturing lifestyle based out of Long Beach, CA

And it's attracted another recent write-up in The Toronto Star, the daily newspaper for the Big Smoke.

Just My $.02

two-center

[too sent-er]

n., a person who regularly inserts unsolicited advice, anecdotes and opinions into a conversation, especially ones in which they are not directly involved.

A two-center often interrupts a conversation's flow to pepper the dialogue with tangentially related stories and phrases like "the thing about that ...," "the truth of the matter ...," and "well, actually ..."

Person A: What's the easiest way to get to the Clarendon Metro from here?

Person B: Take a left at the intersection and it'll be four blocks on your left.

Person A: Oh, okay. Great. That's what I'll do. Thanks for your help.

Person C, The Two-Center: Well, actually you could take a bus to Glebe Road, walk to Ballston Mall and then take a cab to the metro. It would take you a few minutes less

Person A: Ummm, OK. Thanks man.

Droppin' Bombs ...

Residual methane effect (RME)

[ri-zij-oo-uhl meth-eyn i-fekt]

n., sci., the lingering odor that persists in a confined public space after one has successfully moved one's bowels; This effect can be noted quantitatively and is measured in PPUs.

This often noxious odor may persist for several minutes after the offending party (the "pooper") has left a lavatory. In many cases, the resultant odor may deter future bathroom-goers from using the facilities until after the proverbial air has cleared. Mitigating factors may include proper ventilation, courtesy flushing and one's natural poop "flavor," or odor.

In other cases, the offending party is able to leave the restroom and new users incorrectly blame a fellow stall user who may happen to be in there at the same time.

Check out this fascinating website that touts itself as "your No. 1 source for your No. 2 business" to keep up with the fast-moving world of poop.

I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry ... And Drunk

alcholeric

[al-kuh-ler-ik]

n., a person who becomes extremely irritable, easily angered, belligerent or combative when under the influence of alcohol

Alcholeric is a portmanteau, blending the words "alcohol" and "choleric"

Alcohol reduces inhibitions and the more you drink, the more loose you get. If a person is naturally angry and aggressive before drinking, alcohol will make him more apt to act out and get mean when he is drinking.

Many refer to the inhibition-reducing effects of alcohol as "liquid courage," a surge of temporary eneregy that makes people feel like it's okay to do things they normally wouldn't--they think it's okay because they were drunk, or they "couldn't help themselves".

Check out these great moments in "alcholeric history," thanks to YouTube

Ziggy Bowdust ...

bowdust

[boh duhst]

n., the white chalk-like detritus of dry and flaky skin that often covers the surface area of the elbow; the word "ashy" is often used colloquially to describe a state of uniform bowdust coverage.

"I was on the roof last weekend cleaning out the gutters, when the ladder slipped out from under me. Instead of falling straight back, my slow-motion sideways descent through me right into a thicket of thorn-covered bushes. I wasn't hurt too bad, but I had what seemed like 100,000 scrapes on my arms and forearms. I went upstairs to wash off and check out the damage. I lifted my arms and looked and washed off the cuts. I must not have looked at my elbows in several months, because there was a snow-white layer of bowdust covering my elbow"

In many ways, bowdust is an inevitable byproduct of the aging process. A number of factors conspire to turn your smooth, supple elbows into concentric circle-like wrinkles around a patch of ashy, flaky skin. As its elasticity drops over time, the skin around your elbows bunches up, and the tips of your elbows can become darker as layers of dead, dry skin start to accumulate.

Creams, exfoliation and lotion can help, but ultimately the bowdust wins out. Tyra Banks obsesses about her bowdust so much, that she'll use lip gloss or Chapstick for a quick fix

Odds and Ends:

Here are some tips on getting rid of "ashy elbow forever."

Check out this blog for a humorous Homeland Security-style elbow sandpaper ratings system.

Check out these barons of bowdust, Brooklyn-based hip hop band Ashy L Bowz. You can download their album "No Lotion" off of I-Tunes

I'll be ..

in text

[in tekst]

v.t., an idiom, signifying the act of communicating by text message; similar to "in touch" or "get in touch"

"I'm not sure what we're doing later this evening, but I'll be in text with you and let you know."

Random MySpace people who use the phrase:

• Some dude


• Some chick

A British solicitor will be in text with me too

It's In The ...

It's in the ... hole. Yes Sir! ... Well almost ... Tough finish Rory

While watching yesterday's riveting US Open final round, I noticed that professional golfers perform at such a high level that they nearly expect to make nearly every putt they attempt. On the rare -- but to be expected -- occasions when they do not, the responses are quite similar.

puttrified

[puht-truh-fahyd]

v. intr., to make assorted displays of surprise and mild indignation, especially when narrowly missing after striking a golf ball so as to make it roll along the putting green to its intended target, the hole

Examples of puttrification include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Bending at the knee to lament a putt's narrow miss
• Visually scanning the crowd/caddies/fellow players for sympathetic facial expressions
• Standing in place for several seconds with hands akimbo
• Flipping the putter
• Telekinetic use of body english
• Exaggerated facial expressions (vary, stern and even sometimes sheepish)

After finally conceding that a putt is missed, it is customary for a puttrified golfer to grudgingly accept the gallery's congratulatory applause, tip his cap and resign himself to mere mortality.

Example:

"Bryson walked around the 15th green and stalked the putt from every conceivable direction. With the help of his caddie, he vector analyzed the green's topography, and eyed the bermuda grass with the precision of a land surveyor. Finally, after picking his line, approximating its speed and visualizing the ball's path toward the hole, he approached the ball and struck it firmly. The dimpled spheroid did not oblige, making its final revolution just inches short of the target. On bended knee, Bryson looked puttrified at the unexpected -- and rare -- unsuccessful outcome. His feigned anger, however, was quickly sublimated by the fact that he would go onto win the tournament
a few holes later, putting $4 million large in his coffers."

Putting is golf's great equalizer. Many of us will never stripe 300-yard drives, master the flop shot, shape a high-arcing draw around a live oak or impart "on-a-string" backspin on an approach shot. And while physical limitations and a lack of talent may prevent us from ever experiencing these achievements, we all can putt. Even the most difficult putt could conceivably be made by an amateur, even a beginner.

Planned Pantyhood ...

Planned Pantyhood

[pland pan-tee-hood]

n., the deliberate act of matching one's outerwear in color, style and appearance with the straps of a deliberately exposed undergarment, usually a thong but sometimes a bra, or even both; this fashion decision is usually perpetrated by a precocious -- if not prepubescent -- child and usually by young women, though not exclusively

This interesting -- and mildly disturbing -- fashion trend has not gone unnoticed by the conservative law and order, puritanical crowd.

Some cities, like Atlanta and Hampton Roads, have even explored treating "planned pantyhood" as a public nuisance and fining its perpetrators. Opa Locka, a town in Florida with a notoriously high crime rate, have already banned baggy pants and exposed boxer shorts in an effort to curtail crime.

Planned pantyhood has not avoided the watchful eye of school administrators and athletics coaches.

Mark Base, a fellow blogger from Helsinborg, Sweden, made some humorous (and documented eyewitness) observations of this trend in a Feb 2007 blog post Pantspotting In Helsinborg.